How to Defeat the United States Army – in Your Underpants!
by The Scalpel
Most people think that they could never defeat United States Army. The Army possesses nuclear,
chemical, and biological weapons and knows how to use them. They have Apache helicopters, Abrams
tanks, and more depleted uranium rounds than you can shake a stick at! No one would believe that one
man, not even one as strong as Arnold Schwartzenegger could defeat the Army.
Yet using my method, I was able to defeat the entire United States Army and gain my freedom – armed
with nothing but my underpants. I have a certified letter from the US government to prove it!
Are you stuck in a stop-loss situation? Are you more restricted in your uniform or experiencing less
freedom of movement? My method can help. Maybe some form of government encroachment makes you
feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. My method can help you too. Yes, even if you are
"just" an Iraqi feeling a bit oppressed by the occupying forces, my method can help you! In fact, this
method can help everyone who wants to regain lost freedom or is feeling oppressed – even if it is not by
the US Army!
I was a 165-pound weakling and was forever getting pushed around by the Army. I had almost no freedom
at all, that is, until I discovered my foolproof method. This method took me years of heartache and
frustration to develop, but I am willing to share it with you absolutely free of charge. Imagine trying to
fight the US Army using conventional methods. One shot and you would very likely be dead! If you took up
arms against the US Army, even with "the most powerful weapons known to man," you would be rubbed
out quicker than a Hussein brother in Mosul. Yet with my method, I was able to take on the entire Army –
and win! Let me tell you my story:
For years, I tried every imaginable way to feel free. I even wanted to defend the freedom of others. I saw
advertisements for other methods on TV. I heard about them on the radio, and read about them in papers.
"Serve your country and defend freedom," they said. "Join the US Army." So I did. I joined the Army as a
West Point Cadet.
The West Point plan of achieving freedom involved a "duty concept." A cadet using the "duty concept"
devoted all the powers of his or her intelligence to twisting logic, distorting facts, rationalizing, and doing
whatever was necessary to justify one’s orders first to oneself, then to "the troops." A cadet was said to
have "internalized" the "duty concept" when he had completely convinced himself that this was all his
own free will. A "good leader" was someone who excelled at helping others twist logic, distort facts, and
rationalize until they, too, believed it was all their own free will. But the West Point method didn’t work for
me. I kept thinking that intelligence and freedom were the process of reaching decisions based on an
objective, independent analysis of the facts, not a foregone conclusion. On the West Point plan, I felt like
a tool of the state. I did not feel free
Next, I tried the "doctor" plan. Being a doctor is a good thing. I was certain that I would agree with any
orders I received as a physician. I would have to follow orders, but because I would always agree with my
orders, it would be as if I was free. I could pretend that I was reaching an independent decision, not just
following commands. On the "doctor" plan, I was assigned to the 2nd battalion of the 158th air cavalry
regiment at Fort Hood, Texas. Once there, I discovered that almost all of the Apache helicopter pilots who
were my patients were still on the "West Point" plan. Most of these pilots would follow any orders they
were given and would convince themselves it was the right thing to do, just as long as they got to fly
their Apaches, fire their weapons, and chalk up a few kills.
While on the "doctor" plan at Fort Hood, I watched the cold war end, and I saw the Berlin Wall fall without
a shot. If the United States’ worst enemies could change peacefully, then nonviolent change was
possible in any nation. I was optimistic for peace and freedom. Perhaps the "doctor" plan would work for
me! But while the gigantic, fearsome Soviet Union collapsed without war, I saw the US Army make an
unprovoked assault on the small nation of Panama. Thousands of innocent Panamanians died. Apparently,
every soldier involved in this assault was able to twist logic, distort facts, rationalize, and do whatever
was necessary to justify their orders. I recalled the invasion of the tiny island of Grenada occurring under
similar circumstances. I was not aware of a single soldier that had refused either assault. My hopes for
success on the "doctor" plan were dashed. I felt like a maintenance man for the tools of murder and
I turned to the "CO" (Conscientious Objector) plan in February of 1990. This plan required me to ask the
Army to give me my freedom. I made it clear to my commanders that neither the "West Point" plan nor the
"doctor" plan had worked for me. I did not think I was defending freedom. I did not feel free. I could no
longer follow their orders, and was unable to fool myself into doing so. The Army investigated the matter
and told me that, according to their regulations, I was qualified for the "CO" plan. Six months later, in
August of 1990, the Army began preparing for yet another invasion; this time it was the invasion of Iraq.
As quickly as they put me on the "CO" plan, the Army took me right back off of it. I found that the "CO"
plan is a very hard plan to stay on, mainly because of the excess commanders. My Battalion commander,
LTC Freeman (no pun intended), told me that he was the law, not some vague Army regulations. I
resigned my commission. My commanders denied it. I attempted to transfer to the Public Health Service –
again denied. I offered to repay the entire cost of my education – also denied.
I realized that the Army was not concerned with what I thought; it just wanted my body to follow orders. In
response, I decided to make my body useless to the Army. Perhaps then it would put me back on the "CO"
plan. I fasted for 27 days. Meanwhile, the Army shipped my mostly useless body to Saudi Arabia, placed it
in a hospital, and threatened to force feed it. I would be imprisoned if I refused. I ate and then began to
fast again, still hoping to be put on the "CO" plan. But instead, the Army shipped my body from Dhahran to
King Khalid Military City on the border with Iraq. I could see that the "CO" plan just wasn’t working for me.
Finally, it dawned on me. The Army’s purpose is not defending freedom, but imposing control. Freedom is
the Army’s lady of ill repute. The Army does not love freedom, but they use her allure as bait, and her
promises of favors to help them impose control. The Army did not care what I thought, or even if my body
was useless. The Army wanted only to control me. If I wanted freedom, I would have to take it for myself,
hold onto it, and refuse to give it up. This was the breakthrough I had been looking for. The power of
freedom had been inside me all the time! The battle lines were drawn. It was the United States Army
I needed a plan. I wanted to avoid jail time, but only if I could so without violating my principles. I knew
that soldiers are not free, thus they are predictable. Similar circumstances describe most government
officials and other tools of oppression. So I knew, more or less, what would and what would not get me
thrown in jail. I could use this to my advantage while disrupting the Army’s efforts to control me.
I volunteered to work as a civilian for the International Red Cross in Riyadh. I reported my commanders
for violations of the Geneva conventions. I posted notices on the mess hall encouraging the soldiers to
refuse orders because fighting without a declaration of war would be a violation of the Constitution. Still,
I did not feel free. I looked at my BDU’s. Inside I was free; now it was time to dispense of my military
façade, and to loose the final threads that still bound me to the Army.
King Khalid Military City is an expanse of flat, scrubby desert on the Saudi Arabian border with Iraq. There
is a point where two main roads entering the base converge to form one road leading to Iraq. That
intersection was always busy with convoys of armored vehicles and supplies heading towards the
border. The day after Congress "authorized the use of force" for operation Desert Storm, I walked to the
center of the intersection and stood facing the vehicles coming from the Saudi side. A deuce and a half (2
½ ton) truck approached belching diesel fumes. I looked past the military hardware, beyond the driver’s
Battle Dress Uniform, and into his eyes. The truck stopped in the center of the intersection blocking both
approaching roads. I removed my uniform, and standing there in my polypropylene long underwear, I
finally, irreversibly quit the Army. Traffic backed up quickly. Abrams tanks, Bradley fighting vehicles,
various artillery pieces, assorted supply trucks, Hummers, and countless other vehicles sat motionless. I
held my outstretched hand against the traffic. My first act as a free man was to do what I could to stop that
useless and unnecessary war.
A crowd of soldiers began to gather beside the road. Some were laughing, some were shouting insults,
and some were even shouting encouragement. All these soldiers had other duties they were ignoring
while they loitered there entertained by my presence. None of them tried to move me. The "underpants"
method was working! Not only did I feel free, these other soldiers were getting a taste of freedom too!
Eventually, a tall, deeply tanned, chiseled looking Sergeant Major approached and asked me to leave the
intersection. I held my ground and did not reply. "Captain Wiggins," he pleaded, (he had looked over my
uniform lying on the ground,) "let’s please take this out of the intersection. We are holding up all these
soldiers in all these vehicles." I stood silently staring forward. He began to lose patience. "Look at me,
Captain Wiggins," he demanded. Our eyes met. Deep in the recesses of that silent stare, past the Battle
Dress Uniform, far beyond enemy lines, I saw…humanity. It seemed for a moment that he too, was
standing there in his underpants. For that moment we faced off, two independent men in an intersection
in Saudi Arabia, in our underpants. Neither one of us challenged the other.
It was then that I realized the final secret of the "underpants" method. There was one man standing
beside me. I heard the conversation, and the chuckles and insults from other men at the shoulder of the
road. Further down the road, I saw yet other men leaning curiously from the windows of their vehicles.
The Army, though, had disappeared. It had retreated into the world from whence it came. A purely
bureaucratic construction, the Army existed only on paper and in the imagination. It had no pulse, no
heart, and no thoughts of its own. It was a façade, a paper tiger, and I had broken through its lines of
defense. In its place stood only individual men. I had defeated the United States Army!
I had been fighting a fearsome, imaginary monster when all I really needed to do was assert my
independence to the individual standing beside me. I knew I would have more battles to fight, but I had
won the war. A Hummer full of men in military police uniforms pulled up. They had their orders, I was sure.
I sat down and closed my eyes preferring to choose the time and place of my next battle.
The "underpants" method had worked. From that moment on, I never again felt it necessary to follow
orders. When I cooperated, it was of my own free will and because I thought it just. I was not entirely safe,
but behind the façade of the Army I had not been safe either. I was free, and this freedom was not just a
freedom of the imagination. It was a real, living, breathing, acting and thinking freedom. A short time later,
I was on a plane back to the United States. That imaginary beast, the US Army, was like a bad dream fading
from the memory after one has awakened.
So… Has the latest invasion got you down? Are you "stopped up" or perhaps feeling a little draft? Maybe
your current occupation is just not agreeing with you. If you want to get back that lost vitality and freedom
you used to have, try Dave’s foolproof "underpants" method. If it worked for me, a 165-pound weakling, it
can work for you too. I am so confident that you will be completely thrilled with my guaranteed method,
that I am giving it to you absolutely free of charge. It costs nothing to try, and if you are not fully satisfied
after 30 days, return it – no questions asked.